I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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