If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
