Tell her she can't have a vagina
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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