Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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