Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
