ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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