drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
