this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
