Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
