woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
