this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
This house was built for laser tag.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
