Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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