found the other keg... it's in the tree
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
