you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
