when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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