hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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