i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
