I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
