According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize