oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
