I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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