I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
