Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
What a dumb baby whore.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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