Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
