im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
