you have to choose: penises or morals?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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