Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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