how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
