The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My bed smells like the plague
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