my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
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