if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
