I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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