I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
