My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
