I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
