I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
