last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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