either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
