I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
