Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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