You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You took a bar mat shot.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
