seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
