Banned from zoo.
Again?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
