i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize