Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
