All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
