I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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