I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you will always have a special place in my vag
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
