Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
