Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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