He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
