This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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