Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
