the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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