I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
