Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
