I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I AM VODKA MAN
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
