No period for spring break; use this wisely.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
