So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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