the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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