Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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