Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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