The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
